(i published this originally in the b.c.c.b. but i figured i might as well put it in here)

ya know, some of you might be offended by me saying this stuff in here but it's something that i want everybody to hear and i know only 1 of you that read this read my blog too so here it is.

i am a person who lives by goals. i make a goal and i acheive it. that's how i work plain and simple. whether it's to do something by the end of the day or to do something over the course of a decade. sure sometimes i may not go through with these goals of my own choosing. but when some other person or people interfere and prevent me from acheiving my goals is when i get angry.

let me clarify if you don't realize the extent of what i'm saying. none of you have seen me angry. not when kevin did his little thing at state, not when mina lied to me about the halloween party thing, not when brian died. the extent of this anger surpasses yelling or getting red in the face. this is the kind of passion that friendships can be lost over. and today is a day where i have been forced back from attaining what i set out to do nearly 3 years ago.

(before i get any further into this let me make sure you all understand this is not meant directly at any of you, although i'll be the first to admit that at one point i was jealous and mad that some of you outdid me, but that couldn't be helped after the energy i put into this, i don't hold nething against you all, and i hope you don't hold nething against me)

i came into highschool as stubborn hard-ass of a freshman in third band, who was disillusioned at my ability. some of you may still hold the opinion that i'm disillusioned at my ability. then in my ignorance i set a goal to succeed in band, to make it to the top, to lead, to be successful. i have only half accomplished that goal. and no matter how much i try and convince myself otherwise i keep coming to the conclusion that dick clardy is one of the largest reasons. his false favoritism (with some exceptions a.k.a. katie and others) and ignorance to the obvious has been a major reason for my slow asymptotic progression through band. he is the one that my anger is focused at. i hate him. period.

the other person that has stood in my way (through no fault of his own, and probably without his even noticing) is mina. now when i say that he stood in my way i mean simply that i let him and clardy keep me back. when i should have been responsible and wasn't mina stepped up and out did me and from that point on i have been stuck in his shadow. in pretty much everyway i can think of i have been outdone by him. i'm sorry mina i don't mean this against you but it has to be said. your modest humility at you success is only fuel for my jealousy. and i hate to say i'm a jealous person.

some of you may read into this as self-pity. maybe i'm not gonna deny it. everything i have wanted to acheive in high school i have achieved. except what i wanted more than anything. no let me correct that. never in my life have i thirsted for anything as badly as i have wanted to be the best in band. and i didn't do it. and now it's too late for me ever to do it. it's killing me, eating me up inside but there's nothing i can do except vent it through writing (a.k.a. this post) or hold it in. a

all of you learn from my mistake. don't let your jealousy get the best of you, ever. let it out express what's bothering because if you hold in what hurts you will end up cold, alone, without the skills let alone the want to reach out to other people.

  posted by Unknown @ 10:54 ip.